Cool

So yesterday I bumped into someone from back in my business owner days. The location was our local skating rink where my daughter's youth hockey team was scrimmaging the parents (I had arrived strategically late with my youngest daughter in tow, a handy excuse for not donning skates, pads and gloves and instead staying in the much-warmer stands).

This was someone I'd known since high school (I love living in the town where I grew up) and he asked me, "What are you doing now?" At first I thought, well, I'm watching a hockey game. But then I realized, he was asking me what I was doing for a living.

As a very strong, independent woman who has for all intents and purposes exited the business world to care for my family, this was the first time I'd had the opportunity to answer that question as The New Me.

My response: "Well, I'm homeschooling my daughters and I'm getting ready to start leading a Brownie troop." He looked at me as if waiting for the rest of the story. But that was it.

A questioning look. A flash of recognition, surprise, and (there it was) a smile.

"Cool."

Let me tell you it felt GREAT! And it would have felt great even if he'd called me a big loser. Here's why:

For the past two decades I have been selling or litigating or training or managing or studying or fighting against some bully or for some cause. Those things were all important, but somehow, I'd let them define me.

Now rest assured, today I'm doing a lot more than just what those two responses to my friend yielded. But for the first time in my life, I didn't feel obligated to give the litany of my jobs, activities or life situations. In fact, answering that way helped me realize that I'm pretty much off the hamster-wheel of going, going, going and just maybe on my way to getting somewhere that really matters.

I remember thinking when I turned 40 that this was going to be the time of my life when I could stop apologizing for who I am and start living. I could stop making excuses and giving explanations. People would have to just take me as I am, or not. It took awhile, but that's finally the way it's turning out to be. How refreshing to be comfortable in my own skin (usually--though I still wish there was less of it) and not have to worry so much about impressing people. Whew.

Now I have the energy to focus on the things that mean the most to me: 1. My relationship with God. 2. Rebuilding our marriage and our home. (Yes, we reconciled after being separated for 14 months--miracles DO happen!) 3. Loving, nurturing and educating my daughters. And 4. Being the friend and family member that I know God intended me to be.

Sure, there are a lot of parts of my life that are completely whirlwind out-of-control right now because that's just the way it is when you're in a time of huge transition and change. But as I keep my focus and priorities on the Big Four above, answering a question like the one from my old friend is a pretty great experience. So is living in my own skin, being my husband's wife, my daughters' mom, my mom's daughter, my friends' friend, and God's kid.

"Cool." Yeah, it really is.

Getting Real About Priorities

What is your biggest priority? Another way to ask this question is, “Who or what do you serve?” The answer to the question cuts right to the heart of each one of us.

Lots of times, we’ve got really good intentions about what we want our priorities to be. God, family, mastering a new skill, being a certain kind of person, reaching certain professional or financial goals. Only you know what you want your highest priority to be. It’s a very personal choice.

Where we seem to get into trouble is when our priorities differ in reality than they do in our desires.

Here’s a good way to tell if your priorities differ in reality than they do in your desires. Start paying attention to what you think about when your mind is at rest. When your mind drifts, where does it drift to? When you discover a theme, you’ve discovered your priorities, your “master”, who or what you serve.

If you’re constantly thinking about work, then work is your priority. (Read: work is your master). If you’re constantly thinking about what other people think of you, then your ego may be your priority (master). If you’re constantly thinking about trivia, that night’s television line up, or what movie to see this weekend, then escape may be your priority (master). If you’re constantly worried or afraid, then worry and fear may be your priorities (masters).

Please understand, I’m in no position to judge anyone’s priorities and do not mean to do so in any way. It’s just that if the desires (priorities) of our hearts are not our priorities in reality, we’ll never be really happy. And worse yet, we may be kidding ourselves and not even know it.

I believe the key to shifting our priorities is immersing ourselves in them. Train your brain (and heart) to focus on what matters to you. This doesn’t mean that you never have fun or that everything you do or think has to have some major heavy-duty intense purpose. It also may not mean that you change one minute of the way that your time is presently allotted. It’s a matter of focus.

If your children are truly your priority, spend more time with them if you can. Make the time that you do spend with them is high quality. Make sure they’re aware of how much they matter to you. Speak to them in a way that builds them up and lets them know how loved and valued they are.

If your faith is your priority, immerse yourself in the Bible. Listen to music and read books that strengthen and edify your faith. Attend the church of your choice. Find a mentor and get your questions answered. Take time to pray—God is interested in you, wants to hear from you and has much to share with you as well.

For anyone else who could use some work in this department, let’s make this the year that we get our actual priorities and our desired priorities on the same track. Imagine what added energy, passion and drive we’ll have. Imagine operating with that level of authenticity and congruence. Imagine the increased clarity and ease of decision-making. How would life change for you? Now that’s something worth thinking about.